Aku tidak benar-benar melepasnya

Aku membaca ulang kisah lalu yang pernah kutulis. Yah, dua tahun lalu berlalu dengan satu kedipan mata. Banyak hal terjadi, segala kesedihan, sakit hati, waktu telah menyembuhkan segalanya. Banyak tulisan tentang dirinya, dia menjadi objek terbanyak inspirasi tulisanku yang tidak terjadi pada yang lainnya. Dan saampai titik ini, aku menyadari aku tidak benar-benar melepasnya. Batu itu tetap aja memukau, dan aku salah mengira dia jatuh entah di mana, karena dia tetap ada dalam genggamanku, meski aku mengingkari berat membawanya ke mana-mana, tetapi itu kenyataannya. Saat aku mencari, ternyata dia masih di sana, seiring berjalan waktu, tidak ada yang berubah, batu itu tetap memiiki kilauan yang kembali membuatku merasakan perasaan yang sama seperti dulu. Aku tidak benar-benar melepasnya. Berbagai proses telah dijalani, aku merasa bersalah pada diriku yang dulu mementingkan proses dan mengingkari semuanya. Hingga kini, aku bahkan telah mengenyahkan proses itu untuk orang-orang itu. Maafkanlah aku tidak memberimu kesempatan. Aku tidak tahu apakah dirimu berubah, mungkinkah kamu sangat ingin melompat ke pemilik lainnya? Atau mungkinkah kamu hanya ingin diam tanpa berharap apa-apa. Aku rindu saat-saat dirimu menginginkan hanya diriku yang jadi pemilikmu. Batu itu, aku benar-benar melepasnya, dengan segala asal usulnya yang tak kuketahui, dengan segala misteri yang ada pada dirinya, dengan segala kesedihan yang pernah meliputinya, dengan segala keasingan yang anehnya tidak kupermasalahnya, aku tak benar-benar melepasnya selama ini. Aku tidak akan menjaga apapun dan mungkin kali ini aku bersiap untuk benar-benar jatuh dan merasakan apakah itu sakit atau topangan. Hanya karena ku menyadari, aku tidak benar-benar bisa melepasnya hingga aku benar merasakan kesakitan itu.

Rindu itu

Rindu itu...
Ketika kamu membayangkan seseorang namun tak bisa menatapnya lewat matamu.
Ketika kamu ingin memeluknya namun dia tak ada di depanmu.
Ketika kamu hanya bisa mendengar ucapannya lewat media komunikasi.
Ketika kamu ingin bercerita namun harus puas dengan melihat layar datar.

Rindu itu..
Saat kamu berjalan di pantai ingin menggandengnya, yang tergenggam hanya angin.
Saat kamu melihat suatu kenangan, membayangkan kembali kisah lalu.
Saat dia singgah di ingatanmu, ada debaran halus di hati.
Saat kamu berharap dia ada di hadapanmu untuk kamu tatap dan peluk.

Tanpanya...
Bulan yang dipandang tak terasa cukup indah.
Pelangi yang dilihat tak terasa cukup berwarna.
Langit cerah terasa sedikit sendu.
Hari dijalani dengan sedikit berat.

Hanya berharap dia ada di sini bersamamu...

That Sign

Hello, dear. If you keep listening to me through these months and years, you're bored about what I told you, especially about disappointment. I keep telling myself to stop care and focus on myself, but still I didn't do it and was disappointed again. So, this time, I think I gonna make it real. And the disappointment repeated part is not the only one, here we go...

Last year in July, I have written my praying about a sign. That sign ever came to me once about last two weeks I think. I was surprised for sure. Though, it's not a whole sign, but I was quite surprised. So, I keep thinking that someone from my past, am I just not aware that he's really the one? Huh... I don't know, it's really make me confused. Actually I hope it is. hahaha. Someone's far away, someone's from past, and someone's I had chemistry from the first time saw him. One minute gaze, whole day chemistry, months thinking, whole time heart beats, the only one i feel interested, and the only I can't ask to take photos of me. I just don't know how his feeling about me, everything changes, so do people, does he have feeling the same from years ago? So, what does that sign mean? I need to looking for the answer. Keep walking the path and find out. The half owner of my hear, i hope you know how I'm feeling now.

Sometimes I just miss those old memories...

Hey you!

Sometimes I think I'm really selfish, because I know you are the only one I can look for when I'm bored and feel like don't wanna do anything. So, here I am. Sitting in front of you, looking at your calm face, and start sharing to you again. Forgive me to disturb you or I guess you're happy listening to me.

Sometimes I just miss those old memories. No, dear, it's not like what you're thinking. I just miss them, not  to regret about what had happened. Because I know, I'm living for now, not the past, either the future. Those hurt feelings, those tears, those disaffection, it's funny, I admit that I miss them. I've told you, I've reached at the climax point of no return, And I'm feeling I just miss those parts. So, what do you think? No, it's not because I'm bored and alone. Do you think that if I didn't pass them all, I can be like this. All those people taught me lots of things about what I'm going to do in my life. 

Though I'm still Livia with this face, not more beautiful, even I wish for more charming one ha97..., and little fat now, hmmm... more mature, and more able to control my emotions. People come and go to my life as they're happy doing so. They become color of my life. They are like a cute cake, bitter, sweet, yummy or yucks, no idea, to know what flavor in it, I must try it first. Though it's not yummy or sweet, it's made by someone with love. 

Those old memories, I miss the memories, not the people. They've gone, and I think that's their decisions. Everything changes, so do people. We used to be closed friends, now become strangers. We used to shared everything, now we even can't keep in touch. None's wrong. So what? The conditions, the environment, or anything else? I don't know. There're something can be meant to be together. At the end of my life, I'll be leave alone. I must face it alone. So, let's make positive thinking. These all happened to give me a lesson for my future. 

Now, I've got a good job, having several new friends, but still I feel there's something missing, my life isn't complete as simple like that. I don't know the reason and I'm trying to figure out. Two of my colleagues gave me happy news several days ago, they are going to get married next month. Wow! It's really amazing, there's none of my friends ever share this happy news before. And it's because both of them have the level age of marriage. How about me? Still none beside me. Most of people said you choose a lot. And you know, I'll simply answer them "Even you choose what clothes you are going to buy, then for getting someone special, you don't need to choose. Oh, really." I think I'm quite open to everyone, but there're always something that can't work between us. So, if I still try to have a serious relationship with them, then it can't work, and we're end for times, people will say that I'm such a playing heart person. You see, people will judge you all the time in your life. I think the quote "don't judge book by its cover" can't really applied. It's nature, everyone will judge you of everything you've done in front of them, no need knowing reason, or anything else.

Half year stay in this busy city, how do I feel? Yes, you're right. I haven't my soul here. These six months are like mix flavors, can't be described, can't be told by words, just can be felt. Then, they all will become old memories. And I'll miss those old memories again when I reach another point of my life. So, missing those old memories is a fun thing absorbed in thought. 

Thank you for listening to me again, see you then!

The Owner of My Half Heart

Ada yang berkata masing-masing dari kita hanya memiliki setengah isi dari hati kita, untuk itu kita akan menemukannya bagian setengah lainnya pada orang lain untuk membuatnya sempurna.

Aku sering bertanya, di mana dan kapan aku menemukannya, dan pada siapakah bagian lainnya. Jawaban klise yang kudapat hanyalah "kamu akan menemukannya di tempat yang tepat, dalam waktu yang tepat, dan pada orang yang tepat. Pertanyaanku lebih lanjut, bagaimana aku mengetahui tepat itu. Jawaban atas pertanyaan itu adalah "kamu akan mengetahuinya dan merasakannya jika itu tepat".

Apakah sebuah kebetulan mungkin saja menjadi proses dari aku menemukannya? Jika demikian, aku telah mengalami banyak kebetulan dan hingga kini belum menemukannya. Ataukah aku tidak cukup peka untuk menyadari sebenarnya dia telah berada di sekitarku selama ini? Telah banyak kisah kulewati hingga banyak yang menyebutnya sebuah petualangan. Apakah kisah yang lama akan berakhir bahagia? Percaya padaku, mungkin itu akan terdengar romantis dan mengesankan saat diceritakan, namun itu tidak menjamin sebuah akhir yang diinginkan. Aku telah mengalaminya beberapa diantaranya dan aku terlihat bodoh membiarkan kisah baru untuk menyakitiku.

Setengah bagian ada dimanakah dirimu? Mungkinkah kamu masih berada di suatu tempat yang jauh hingga aku belum menemukanmu? Ataukah aku yang terlalu mengabaikan hingga tidak menyadari? Ataukah kamu memang belum menunjukkan sinarmu di dekatku?

"Pasangan seperti apa yang kamu inginkan?" itulah pertanyaan yang sering kudengar. Banyak temanku yang lain menyatakan aku terlalu pemilih. Bukankah memilih telah menjadi bagian dari hidup, setiap hari sejak kita membuka mata hingga menutup mata, kita selalu berhak memilih. Jika aku belum merasa sesuai dengan siapapun, bukankah tidak memilih juga merupakan sebuah pilihan? Aku tidak tahu pria dengan rupa seperti apa yang kuinginkan, karena begitu banyak pria di luar sana dengan kriteria yang sama, namun tetap saja tidak berarti apa-apa. Mama pernah berkata padaku, "carilah pria yang mampu menerimamu apa adanya, kelebihan dan kekuranganmu, dan cintailah kekurangan pria itu sehingga kamu akan bahagia karena kelebihannya." 

Saat ini aku sedang berada pada proses menemukannya. Mengapa aku tidak menggunakan "mencarinya" karena aku yakin dia telah ada di suatu tempat dan suatu waktu. Aku hanya perlu menyadari dan menemukan tempat serta waktu yang tepat itu. Aku hanya perlu berjalan terus dan dia akan ada telah di ujung jalan menungguku. Aku tidak mengharapkan perjalananku romantis dan mengharukan seperti di film, karena aku dan dia akan membuat kisah romantis versi kami. Begitu indah bukan?

So, the owner of my half heart, just keep waiting because one day we will meet in the right place and at the right time. See you!

If only I'm not me...

Hey, you!

I'm writing to you in the room. Yeah, whole day I don't go out and I think you know it will be ended by this.. writing to you...

I got sms from my dad this noon in surprise. Though me and my dad, we are fine but still it's just not a common thing, he text me or call me. He asked me to call him, then I made a call. He just told me that I need to tell my uncle whether I will go with him or not. Just that. Simple. I think that he actually wanna know what I'm doing during this holiday because my mom's on abroad so he asked me by himself. I just know, my parents, they, though they're not like others', saying sweet things to me, I just know, they're really care and I'm the only sweet daughter they have and that's forever, nothing changes. No matter what happened, they'll still be my side, encourage me, and be ready when I go back to them. I just know.

So, here come to the mellow part. I keep thinking during this holiday, two days gone and three days left. I keep thinking, I'm alone in this four walls, reading novels and watching on TV all day. In the lonely night, I begin to think, if only I don't have that prestige, I'm with my mom now, travelling and having fun to that amazing country. That's not mean I can't go with her. Of course, I can ask her to bring me with her. If only I am not me, I'll do it. Now, I'm working, and I ask my mom to bring me, I can't face myself, I should give her some money to shop, not ask her bring me. I have my own saving money and actually I can go with her, but that's budget is for my trip to Europe and till today I haven't made it yet. Am I wrong? Am I too proud of myself?
If only I'm not me... and if only I'm not too tired to face that all fake friends, or haven't reached this climax point, I'll just asking someone to accompany me. But, I'm too tired now. Focus on others and make myself being hurt. If they don't deserve, just leave them and move on. Am i wrong? I have read, "sometimes there are things not meant to be together, no matter how hard we've tried". I do believe. No matter how hard I've tried to make others happy, care for others, and be there when others need, in the end, I'm still leaved alone. So, maybe it's really the time to move on and concern people who really deserve. 

Sometimes I feel that I'm selfish person, leaving both parent in my hometown with no plan to come back. Even, i still don't know how my future is. You see how stupid I am. I just know I can go home to my parents, work there, or anything else, so my day will be filled by warm feeling. See, what I'm doing now, stuck in this hectic city, working from morning to noon, living alone, and enjoying alone. They're worried about me all days. I think this holiday and next month trip will help me think about what I want to be my future, what kind of life, how I live. If only I'm not me...

1st month in 22nd

First month passed double 2! How did I felt? A simple word for the answer "enough"

Two weeks enough for me to move on, to make another new page of my life, because I'm dissapointed enough. I realized what we expected isn't always what we got. Yeah, once again expectation make me down to the earth. Again and again. I hate expectation, not the person. Two weeks later, I was busy with my audit tasks. Let say, it's overload because one of my team mate was having training and that made me quite busy. 

Can be said, now I reach the climax point of being no care. I'm going to care with the one who do it so. Maybe it's the best option for now, I think. Care to the one who I need to care, know the things that I need to know, talk the things I need to talk, go the places that i need to visit. Less expectation, less hurt. Just enjoy the life!

In the end, we'll know the feeling is right. We move on, live a successful life, and failure is gone.

Memories are like ties to the past. You can hang onto them forever if they bring pleasure or you can cut them loose if they bring pain.

Expect absolutely nothing and be surprised of everything!

To someone's far away...

Percayakah kamu sobat pada pertemuan pertama yang kebetulan?
Kisahku dan dia sederhana. Pertemuan sederhana. Namun terukir makna yang mendalam.
Pertemuan singkat yang tak kusangka akan berlanjut pada pertemuan selanjutnya dan akhirnya kami bertemu di dunia maya.
Kisahku dan dia sepertinya sudah ada yang mengaturnya, segalanya terasa kebetulan.
Aku bertanya pada diriku berkali-kali, apakah aku orang yang percaya akan semua kebetulan ini?
Saat dia memutuskan untuk pergi menjauh dan kami terpisah oleh jarak bahkan negara, membuatku merenung, benarkah kami ditakdirkan untuk bersama?
Kepergiannya membuatku merelakannya, yah aku dengan segala prinsipku memutuskan lebih baik begitu.
Dia tidak pernah benar-benar menghilang dari kehidupanku. Dia tetap berada pada tempat awalnya.
Dia tetap berdiri di sana, selalu ada pada momen-momen terbaik dalam hidupku.
Aku tetap mendengar suaranya mengucapkan selamat dari jarak ribuan kilometer.
Dia ibarat semu namun nyata. Dia ibarat rumput liar yang selalu mendampingi tanah subur meski banyak bunga ditanam di atasnya. Dia tetap berada di sana, perasaan yang terpendam kini muncul.
Aku kembali mengingat potongan-potongan kisah tiga tahun terakhir ini.
Kalau saja aku melanggar prinsipku waktu itu. Ah, aku benci "kalau saja". Itu sudah masa lalu.
Aku telah membuatnya kecewa. Aku tidak sepenuhnya menganggapnya ada dan sibuk dengan bunga-bunga indah yang akhirnya akan layu. Sementara dia tetap tumbuh dan selalu berada di sisiku.
Aku kembali merasakan kesenangan siraman perhatiannya. Entah perasaan ini semu atau nyata.
Aku menantikan kepulangannya meski hingga kini tak satupun ide apa yang kita lakukan dan bicarakan nanti.
Sungguh aku merasa egois, aku hanya ingin menguji perasaanku sendiri. Aku hanya ingin mencari tahu apakah semua kebetulan itu memang benar mengarahkan ke akhir yang indah.
Tak ada yang tahu. Tak ada yang bisa membuktikannya.
Aku, dia, dan kisah ini.