How are you pals? Never imagine I am writing to you again after more than 3 years...
As years passed, I still think my place is not here. Yeah, after all of these years, even now I got my own kids, they're so lovely couple twins anyway. For now, they are my purpose and my happiness.
Kabar sy dibilang ga buruk2 banget mungkin bagi sebagian kacamata orang, masih punya rumah, masih bisa tidur nyenyak, masih bisa makan yang diinginkan, punya anak2 yang lucu, mau beli apa masih punya uang. Di tengah pandemi, hal2 kayak gini sudah harus banget disyukuri. Well, seperti orang bilang ketika kita merasa susah, kita harus lihat orang yang lebih di bawah kita, yang hidupnya lebih susah dan hidupnya masih berjuang setiap harinya. That's right though. My mom selalu ulang2 begitu. Setidaknya sy hidup 6 tahun di sini, sy cukup berhasil, bisa kerja jadi foodies (meski sudah ga seaktif dulu sejak hamil dan punya twins), ada bisnis online untuk income tambahan dan bisa membesarkan twins yang lucu.
Itu yang semua orang lihat, semua yang terlihat adalah yang sy ingin share via socmed. Is it ridiciulous kita share yang ga hepi? Tentu yang ingin kita share happiness dan keberhasilan. Banyak orang berpikir kind of show off atau aktualisasi diri. Well for me, itu lebih ke sharing positive vibes dan reminding myself to always be happy, no matter what I got things yang orang lihat sebagai kesuksesan/keberhasilan. I don't need pengakuan dari orang lain, I'm living my life not them.
Lantas apa itu kind of lying to myself? Some of them maybe think like that, it's useless to pretend happy when I'm not. It's not pretend, I see it as I'm happy at the moments and always trying to always be happy. I'm not living in dreamland, everything gonna be perfect without problems and struggles. That's my way as reminder, I was happy and I should be happy.
I doubt but till this year I still think this place is really not for me. I gave up my freedom, career, best friends, bahkan tinggal lebih jauh dari my family to be here, to be with the person whom I think he's gonna be my good partner of life, gonna be good dad for my kids and his family is good. That's what I think 6 years ago and I never made an audit before about how his family was going, how his income came from and how his real character and habit. Well, I'm an auditor, but I never did it for my future life. The reason? I was afraid he or his family thought I was materialistic person, complicated, or else. After these years, I got my own daughter, for sure in future I gonna tell my daughter to figure everything, ask everything before she gets married so she can decide whether she wants to accept that kind of man with all his goods and bads, even accepts his family. I couldn't say I knew nothing but I knew a little, less than the fact and the real situation, so it makes me like I am trapped haha, it's not, it's my own fault, not others. Besides, 6 years here I got twins, my precious happiness ever in my life.
So, how about that lowest point comes to this 6th year? I was alone here, physically not alone but mentally I'm alone and I feel so depressed. Even sometimes I think I'd never wake up again next morning, then I think of my twins, they still need me, so I get that courage to keep my spirit up and continue day by day again. Is it enough to be the lowest point? Because I never have that feeling before ever in my life.
End december 2020, my laws got that pandemic disease, covid. Yah, ternyata after a year, ga lolos juga, I can't judge dari mana still they're not my parents, but they're not typical yang stay at home. Kalau sy 6 months ga keluar rumah, belanja pasar, dll via online sampai sekarang. Keluar sesekali pergi makan itu juga nyari tempat sepi atau bukan jam hectic. Nowadays as long as you have money, semuanya bisa online, sangat praktis. Keluar ke rumah cuma buat lepas penat dan jenuh. Can you imagine 6 bulan ga keluar rumah kadang putar jalanan di mobil aja 1-2x. All I can see everyday itu dinding rumah hahaha. So stressful right? Then, end December laws covid.
Sy ga larang my hubby, cuma told him, it's okay dia mau take care his parents asalkan jangan sampai dia drop. Sy bukan lebay, semua orang di sekitar kami punya backup team masing2 except me. I'm all alone, no backup team. Brother and sisternya kalau terpapar covid dan harus isoman, masih ada keluarga lain yang bisa jaga their kids. I got none here, siapa jaga twins. Then, dia tiap hari tetap pp pergi lebih pagi pulang malam, I have no idea urus apa selain urus minum obat, Bro nya juga live in di sana, sementara hubby pp jadi lebih cape. I alone jaga kids sampai malam. Then, early january my maid covid. New year gift ha. I alone jaga kids, bersihkan rumah, plus masak karena sudah parno ga berani jajan after laws covid. 5 days after my maid, hubby covid. Bukan maid yang tularin ke dia, sepertiya dia yang tularin ke maid. Karena keluarga maid (maid pp) ga ada yang kena till today. Selama setahun pun dia aman pp. Possibility hubby yang tularin. After tau, dia mau stay di rumah karena mau di in laws katanya udah recovery stage, cuma di rumah itu ada kids, dan our home itu tertutup, ga ada sirkulasi. Pas itu lagi tren kloter keluarga yang whole family positive covid. Jadi my parents asked him isoman di apartment, so dia left tinggal di apartment.
My days seperti biasa, kids juga skolah online, sy masih bersihkan rumah dan masak. Sometimes send makanan ke dia kalau sempat via gojek. All he said was sorry. Pas itu, I didn't need the word sorry, yang kubutuhkan dia sembuh. My parents so worry, bayangin anaknya sendiri di rumah, ruko pinggir jalan, left alone with two kids. Mereka ada akses cctv tiap hari bolak balik cek cctv then ga tahan my mom flied here padahal dia takut di SWAB dan harus 2x flight, masker on, no toilet, no eat/drink, dia stay di Jakarta semalam di rumah dd dan besoknya ke sini. I felt very useless, even I got married, I still need support my old mom jauh2 padahal di sini kami berdua bukan merantau, ada big family but still no solution. Ga ada tanya juga mau bantu apa. My laws bahkan ga dikasih tau hubby kena juga biar ga jadi pikiran. Then, how about me? Did they think how my feeling was at that time? Smua orang diprotect then how about me and my kids. Kalau ada apa2 dengan kami di rumah gimana.
Dari awal sy sudah bilang sy ga larang but the fact I'm alone, got no backup team, jadi please make sure jangan sampai tumbang. The word sorry was really useless for me. Sy jungkir balik deh no maid no hubby but still I tried my best. Kids tetap online school dan makan makanan bergizi buat boost immune then my mom came. After 3 weeks isoman, hasilnya tetap positive, but dia came back home juga. Kondisinya sangat berbeda, linglung, bingung, loss interest in everything and everyone. Awalnya kupikir mungkin efek dari sakit, ternyata dia depresi.
Till I'm writing this, kondisinya masih sama. From end december sampai end march, 4 months already, orang yang paling menderita itu sy dan seharusnya yang depresi itu juga sy. Semua orang sudah kelar, sembuh dari sakit, sudah back to normal life, but me ya masih berjuang. Most crazy months of my life but yet made me became so strong and tough. Ada beberapa hal yang dulunya pikir I couldn't make it but hey I made it. One of them is living without him.
It's really serious matter right. I was surprised I could say it yes I can. 2 weeks alone with kids, took care everything and matters, I realized I could make it without him. Dulu sy penganut ga ada yang namanya LDM long distance marriage. Kalau sudah merit baru pisah gitu mending ga usah, after these beneran change my mind, ga masalah bahkan banyak couple milih begitu mungkin lebih nyaman.
Dulunya my hubby orang yang ga rapi, berantakan, clumsy, barangnya bisa nyebar sana sini dan dia ga bisa ingat, ambil apa2 ga pernah rapi. Sebelum punya kids, it's okay my wife as job buat beresin toh ga da kerjaan lain. After having kids, sangat sangat draining my energy, it's like taking care 3 babies. Bahkan twins kadang lebih rapi dibanding papanya, mereka suka susun sendiri. Setelah depresi ini, twice, bayangin parahnya, dua kali lipat dari biasanya. Beneran dia ga punya interest di apapun dan siapapun. Usahanya, anak2, istri, kopi, dll smua ga ada, kayak ga semangat sama sekali. Barang2 semua berantakan. Udah habis covid malah gini, itu beneran bikin badan ku rontok serontok2nya. But I got no choice, ga bisa ngapa2in selain survive. My kids itu seumuran, even now mau balik kerja siapa jaga mereka. Pakai nanny harus 2 dan untuk hire nanny okay yang bisa dilepas selain hoki pun harus punya budget. Kerja di sini mau kerja apa buat bisa hire 2 nanny dan kebutuhan sehari2, siapa mau gaji mamak2 umur 30 tahunan.
I tell him my feeling, I'm not type of silence mode on person. Sy selalu speak up what I like and not, everything I want, I feel. Di socmed aja I often speak about my daily except my relationship. Untuk relationship dari dulu memang sy tipe tertutup karena it's private matter but udah ga tahan jadi tuangkan di sini. Hubby orang nya cuek dan tipe seperti itu, biasanya discuss apa2 pun banyak dia ga ingat dibanding ingatnya. Kadang pun ga fokus, jadi physically ga alone tp mentally I'm alone, mau ngomong ke siapa. Sudah tiap hari cuma di rumah sama kids jarang keluar, teman hangout pun ga ada, hanya ada beberapa teman dekat yang sangat jarang kita meetup yang lain ya kenal2 gitu aja. Mau sharing something ya pasti ke hubby tapi ya dianya model gitu, cuek, ga fokus. Besok 6th anniversary, sy tanya mau gimana, he got no idea, ya because of depression jadi ga da interest, tapi tahun2 lalu juga gitu I'm the one who arranged dinner, gift, atau lil celebration, selalu sy, lama2 malas juga kan kalau relationship usahanya cuma dari satu sisi.
Yah, dokter cuma bilang sabar memang kondisi dia begini. To be honest, sy sudah coba banyak metode mulai dari support dia dengan kata2 manis hingga extreme bilang anakmu gimana nanti kalau papanya gini, but still didn't work. Terakhir ke dokter, I told doc mungkin nanti pas dia sembuh, sy yang nyusul depresi. Kata doc nya it can happen, ga mudah staying di sampingnya memang, sy harus kuat. Sy bilang masalahnya semua omongan dia negative vibes, komplain, keluhan, semua yang ga enak didengar sementara badan dan pikiran kita udah sangat super lelah. Bahkan kadang twins rewel dikit sy bisa mukul twins, I think I gonna crazy juga, kids yang kulahirkan, take care, kusayang2 malah kupukulin karena emosiku dan suasana hati ga stabil, uncontrollable. Sampai mamaku marahin, they are my kids. I keep telling myself I'm strong enough, kalau ga strong ga mungkin ada situasi gini. I can walk through these all. Sekarang sudah lebih bisa kontrol dan let go.
Sometimes I think selain twins, my 6 years life here useless. If I can turn back time, I didn't want to come here because this place is never belong to me.
So am I happy all these years? Yeah, the same answer I'm trying to be happy. Even today I'm still staying here, who knows in the future? For kids, education lebih bagus di Jawa. What I need now is saving for my twins future. Mereka ga bisa stay di sini dengan kondisi lingkungan yang nyantai, no fighting spirit, without warisan haha. Kecuali I'm crazy rich ya never mind mereka mau budaya nyantai. Mereka gimanapun harus ke Jawa, minimal kuliah harus di sana, get new friends, get new experiences, to become better and good. For now, my only choice is to survive. Thank you for reading, I wish you all stay happy and healthy.
