Pieces of last words counting down...

Dear, here comes the last Saturday night in 2012. I'm alone at my room, nothing to do, so let's think of some memories...

For all memories we passed together, thank you and sorry.

For all relationships we built and cracked. For all people come into and go out of my life. 

Thank you and sorry.

Realized I can't please everyone in my life, for the one who stay and move. 

Thank you and sorry.

For all people I hurt and hurt me. For all people I give happiness and give mine. 

Thank you and sorry.

For all people I hope for and hope for me. For all people I depend on and depend on me. 

Thank you and sorry.

For all tears and laughs, whether it's cause by someone or something, happiness or sad, deserved or useless. 

Thank you and sorry.

For the one hate me and love me, thank you and sorry.

For those feelings, memories, journeys, sacrifices, times, thank you and sorry.

For everything, everyone, everywhere, everytime, thank you and sorry.

Found out it's so much tired a lot when you care for someone and they don't even care about you. 

So, from now on, let's maintain the one who deserve and let go who don't. 

Try to lower expectation in someone and if they don't need you in their life, why can't you?

Try to be there when everyone need you, but try to survive alone when you're down, because the one that know your best is yourself.

Try to listen anything that everyone wanna share with you and understand their feelings, but try to share your things only if it's important to the one.

Try to make time for helping and accompanying them, but try not to be attached by their help and presence.

Try to take care of the one whom needed, but don't forget to take a good care of yourself.

This is not an egoism, selfish, or etc. It's just some ways to prevent yourself from being hurt too much again, too much disappointment, sufferings, and tears. 

Focus on yourself and pay attention to others.

Say cheers to a new year, a new better life, new hopes and dreams, new feelings, and be a new better person!

2013 New Year Wishes ^^

Dear,

It's different for this year, dear! Last year I only had a simple wish that I could graduate and found a good job. This year, I'm thinking bout my some wishes and some lists that I gonna do through the next new year... Here we go...

1. My job

I hope I can get this job. Actually, I don't have a dream about the job I want, I thinks it's quite nice.  Yeah, as an internal auditor in one of big companies. I hope I can be a permanent employee there. My colleagues, they are nice and support me. Maybe in January 2013, I am going to have a presentation and I wish for everything going well. :) Wish me luck dear!

2. Our relationship

I can't describe how I feel when I'm having this. Through over all, I'm in love in it. No matter what matters, hurts, I just wish for an usual relationship filled with special things. A long distance relationship, a thing that long time ago, I promise myself, I don't wanna this kind of fool thing. Can't you imagine, when you wanna talk to him, you can't even meet. When there's an invitation, let's called wedding invitation, you should go alone without him. Saturday nights you will enjoy it alone or with your friends. So, what's the point of being in that type of relationship. These last two years make me think of new thinking, it comes from my papi too, it's not a problem to have a long distance relationship. As long as you trust each other, lower your expectation, lower your jealousy, each day, when you greet good morning each other, you'll be happy because one day closer you gonna meet each other. Isn't it beautiful dear? You'll miss each other a lot, you'll never get bored, and you still can have lot of time with your friends and others. The points are trust, communication, commitment, and love. So hope, ours long last. And I'm gonna miss him day by day, having new hope to meet him soon.

3. Slim body

I can't believe this be one my lists. :D I'll commit to myself having routine exercise, jogging in the evening and sit up in the morning. Whooo I'm gonna have a slim body and that's sure make each dress fall perfectly into mine :p

4. My brother's graduation

Finally, that's buddy gonna graduate this year...  He told me he's going to graduate in June 2013. How I wish I can attend his graduation. My parents and me will fly there and we'll travel together, maybe for the last time, because I think we're seperated and hard to find time spending together again. So, let's wish I can make it and the time won't coincide with my official duty.

5. Saving

Okay dear, I think it's enough for having fun for one year working. On this second year, I gonna save half of my money consistently for my future. I'm gonna have my own house several years ahead. Since I;m not sure the place I'm gonna stay, I'll save the money in a long term investment. For those all, I've made personal financial template. Let's saving!

6. Travelling

I think you can guess dear, this one will never missed in my lists. Travelling is my passion. So, Belitung is visited. Next trip will be Wakatobi, South East Sulawesi, visit plan in 2013, then Nusa Tenggara Island, Komodo Island, pink beach, then Raja Ampat, the heaven on the earth. Let's plan for Wakatobi first, especially for the money spending there, I hope my plan going well. Then, I've planned to visit Japan with one my friends, if only she is consistent :p We're going to visit Sakura country in July 2014 so I'm gonna prepare the money for this expensive trip. Deeply in my heart, I really wish I can travel with him one day.  I always have a dream to travel with my lovely one some day. :)

7. Ice cream cake for my birthday

Called me childish, dear. You know, from last two year, I wish I will be given a ice cream cake for my birthday, but it didn't happen. So, I wish for next year I'll be given ice cream cake for my birthday, because I really wanna try how it tastes. Otherwise, I'll buy it for myself. :D

8. Dream wishes

I have dream wishes, if only it comes true, it will happen several years later :D I have a dream that my life partner propose me with fireworks proposal or balloon proposal. I think it's really cute and better than candle light dinner. You know, dear, I don't really like that kind of romantic things, such a formal one, sitting face to face with set of menus, it's even not in my imagination. These months, lots of couples getting married, so I think I'm taken along those romantics. :D I just wish that my life partner can be someone I hope for, someone support me, someone never let me walk alone, someone trust and love me, and someone commit to me, we gotta walk along through good or bad.

Last but not least, I wish you all have a joyful Merry Christmas and wonderful Happy New Year! Wish next year will be better, greater, more amazing, wonderful, and fun than this year. 

Sincerely,

Me.

Together or alone?

Relationship are hard! But if you love someone so much, you'll try everything to make it work.

Aku selalu berpikir apakah happy ending di film itu nyata adanya. Mungkin aku tidak akan sepenuhnya percaya tanpa aku mengalaminya sendiri. Setiap pagi aku membuka mata dan mempunyai harapan baru, satu hari lebih dekat hingga waktu bertemu dengannya. We all attracted by looks, but personality makes us stay. Aku tak tahu mengapa aku bisa melihatnya di antara ribuan orang malam itu dan membuatnya nyaris tidak pernah hilang dari hidupku sejak itu. Ya benar, hati ini sudah memilihnya sejak mataku menatap ke dalam matanya, seakan ada perasaan yang tidak biasa, yang kuartikan "Aku menyukainya". Hari dimana aku benar-benar mengenalnya membuatku semakin menyukainya. Kamu tahu, aku biasanya cuek dan tak pernah merasakan apa-apa saat berkencan dengan pria manapun, tapi dengannya, hanya dengan dia, aku merasa nervous. Jika diingat kembali kisahku bertemu dengannya, itu seakan cerita di novel atau sinetron atau film, yang hingga kini aku belum tahu ending nya akan seperti apa. Tentu aku berharap happy ending. Bukankah semua wanita menginginkan pria pertama yang singgah di hatinya akan menjadi pria terakhir bersamanya menghabiskan sepanjang sisa hidupnya. Mungkin itu terkesan mimpi yang teramat sempurna. Tak ada salahnya aku memiliki mimpi seperti ittu bukan? 

Relationship takes TWO people to work. Not one person being faithful and another acting single.

Semalem aku telah mengutarakan segalanya secara jelas kepadanya, tentang perasaanku, tentang kerisauanku. Kurasa dia telah memahaminya secara jelas, sobat. Dapat kukatakan, sekarang semuanya berada di tangannya, dan aku menyerahkan seluruhnya. Mungkin juga aku bodoh membuat dia memiliki kekuatan untuk menyakitiku, namun ini sudah terlanjur, hati ini sudah memilih, sobat.

Semalam aku tidur cukup larut dan kumatikan alarm karena aku ingin benar-benar membiarkan tubuhku beristirahat. Aku bangun agak siang pagi ini. Saat aku membuka mata, mengecek blackberry ku, membaca ucapan selamat pagi darinya. Ini hal yang tidak biasanya, karena biasanya dia selalu bangun lebih siang dariku. Kemudian aku teringat liburan Natal beberapa hari ke depan dimana aku tidak memiliki rencana merayakannya. Aku menyadari aku sendiri tanpanya di sisiku. I just wonder whether he needs me as I need him. So, I cheer up myself to have a "me" holiday.

Seharian ini aku menonton film-film drama Hollywood, aku mendapat beberapa makna dari film-film itu dan kurasa membuatku lebih baik. Dia hilang seharian ini, aku benci mengakuinya, aku rindu dia, sobat. Aku tidak tahu apakah dia merasakan hal yang sama. Aku hanya merasa selama ini dia tidak pernah kesepian seperti diriku hingga diriku lah yang bergantung pada kehadirannya dalam hari-hariku. 

If he said it, he thinks it. And if he thinks it, he feels it. And if he feels it, what choice I have?

Tell me I'm egoist, I wanna him here, next to me...
Tell me I'm stupid, I need him, be my side...
Tell me I'm dumb, I wait for his text whom I'm not sure he miss me or not...
Tell me I'm poor, be there for everyone needs me, when it comes to me, I have none...
And it's really funny, the one you expect to call you or even a message, didn't turn up. The one you avoid, can't stop sending you messages and even call you...

Saat ini aku benar-benar merasakan yang dulu teman-temanku sering bercerita, orang yang kita harapkan sering kali bukan orang yang kasih perhatian pada kita. Dan aku juga kini merasakan teman-teman wanita yang sering kali ngedumel saat pacar mereka pergi dengan yang lain. Dulu aku tidak mengerti mengapa hal seperti itu menjadi masalah. Kini, aku memahaminya, saat diriku sendiri, aku ingin dia berada di sampingku, saat dia tidak mampu melakukannya, hanya lewat media komunikasi saja itu cukup menghiburku, saat dia bahkan tidak berkomunikasi denganku, aku merasa kehilangan, aku benci mengakui perasaan kekanak-kanakan ini, sobat. Aku sudah berjanji aku tidak akan bergantung pada siapapun, tapi kenyataannya tidak demikian. Aku membiarkan diri ini bergantung padanya dan memberikan kekuatan padanya untuk menyakitiku. Aku ini seperti orang bodoh, yang tahu apa yang harus dilakukan, namun tidak mampu melakukannya. I'm afraid he might not stay. Kamu tahu, kadang wanita butuh pengakuan, itu membuat mereka lebih merasa aman, meski itu tidak menjamin apapun. 

Kadang aku berpikir apakah orang ditakdirkan untuk bersama atau sendiri. Banyak pasangan yang menikah setelah puluhan tahun bersama, memilih untuk berpisah. Mereka mampu melakukannya dan menjalani hidup masing-masing. Ada pasangan yang setia hingga maut memisahkan mereka. Pada akhirnya ketika kita meninggalkan dunia ini, kita pergi sendirian bukan. Namun ada juga cerita yang pasangannya mengikutinya pergi karena tidak kuat hidup sendiri. Dua kondisi tersebut nyata terjadi dan aku bingung menentukan aku termasuk tipe yang seperti apa. 

Mungkin saat ini aku cenderung tipe yang kedua, yang kurasakan aku bergantung padanya, mungkin ini tidak baik atau apapun, aku tak bisa menjawab dengan pasti. Aku pernah melakukannya dua tahun lalu, berusaha mengingkari, membatasi hati ini untuk tidak bergantung padanya, karena pada akhirnya dia tetap akan pergi, terpisah oleh jarak, dan kuakui saat itu aku takut hati ini sakit, sehingga keputusan untuk menjauh adalah yang terbaik. Inilah yang kukatakan karma pada tulisanku sebelumnya. Saat ini aku telah mengakuinya dan membiarkan hati ini bebas menentukan jalan, namun segalanya masih terasa semu hingga kini. Haruskah aku bersikap seperti dulu, sobat? Aku sudah memperjuangkan dirinya di hadapan kedua orangtuaku. Dia, pria bodoh ini, satu-satunya pria yang selalu membuatku melakukan apa yang tidak pernah kulakukan sebelumnya, dan dia menjadi orang pertama alasanku melakukan hal yang tidak biasa dalam hidupku, gengsi, pengakuan, apapun itu. Aku merasa aku melangkah terlalu jauh yang nantinya jika tidak berakhir baik akan membuatku hancur terlalu buruk dan jatuh terlalu sakit. Aku pasrah, sobat. Aku akan menerima dengan lapang apapun yang akan terjadi. Petunjuk itu mungkin tidak tepat, rasa ini mungkin tidak benar, hati ini mungkin tidak tahu. 

So, let's make a deal...

If he needs me, I'll be his side whenever he needs me...

If he doesn't need me, then I should try too...

If he try to make it work, I'll stay...

If he doesn't wanna try to make it work, then I should stop make it...

If he's into me, I never let him go...

If he's just not that into me, then I should try to let him go...

Together or alone? Mr. Time, I'll let you give me an answer, but I do hope, it's the first one. :)

 

It’s time to say goodbye or see you again?

If someone seriously wants to be a part of your life, they will seriously make an effort to be in it. No reasons no excuses.

So, this is it, quite same feeling with two years ago, but it’s so much better now. I’ve known him and I’m truly sure what I choose and going on.

It’s not I don’t support him, I do. Last two years, I did the same things. Finally, he chose what he want. Then, what else I can do, what I should do. Nothing. The only thing I can do is mentioning his name in my prayer every day, wishing him the best. Once again, I let him go and prepare the worst thing might be happened. I trust him now, but when it’s no balance, everything seems useless. He’s still not sure and I admit it’s annoying so much. I’m sure and trust him with this distance, but he’s not. Then, I can’t do anything more, don’t know what it’s going to be. Let time, once again, giving me the answer. More over, I wish I can survive from this unsure ones.

If someone can live without me, forget me in their life, then I should try doing the same thing.

I don’t have a type, if I like him, I like him. But you know, sometimes I think what I’m feeling now can be called “karma”. I denied my feeling first, now when the time I confess, that’s all.  Or maybe it’s because I ignored some people, then it’s the time for me feeling these things. Whatever it is, I accept with sincere heart, enjoy the feeling, good or bad, who knows?

I try to accept him with all those annoying things. You can’t have everything but you don’t need everything to make your life complete. Let’s make it simple, if he doesn’t think it’s annoying or problem, then why I should? If he doesn’t mind about some things, then why I should? Maybe girls play so hard to get, because guys play so hard to keep.

Handing these things to Buddha, praying for the best will be going on, accepting and enjoying these kinds of feelings. I think I can stay, if he can promise to never leave.

After awhile, waiting gets boring. Your crush doesn’t seems so attractive anymore and you realize you need to stop wasting your time.

First, I'm really sure, I've chosen him, but when he's not sure, i will think about mine. I prepare myself not to look for much attention from him, he’ll be very busy there with his new life, friends, and environment. I just should let him go to try those new things. Unless he come back or not, time will answer it, because I’m sure, if he’s mine, he’ll always be. Nobody is ever “too busy”, if they’re interested they’ll make time. 

Sebuah cinta memang harus diungkapkan karena tidak pernah ada cinta yang disembunyikan, kecuali oleh seseorang yang terlalu mencintai dirinya sendiri.

Dia orang yang paling cuek, menyebalkan, dan keras kepala, namun menciptakan rasa berbeda dalam diriku.

Sejak pertama aku melihatnya, hati ini telah memilih dia, dia yang pertama bagiku, biarkanlah waktu yang membuktikan dia menjadi yang terakhir.

Hampa.

Dear, kamu pernah merasa kosong dengan dirimu sendiri? Aku kira kamu tidak pernah merasakannya karena kamu selalu disibukkan menunggu curhatan. Tetapi, aku kadang berpikir, seandainya saja kamu bisa mengutarakan apa yang kamu rasakan? Akankah kamu mengatakan padaku bahwa kamu bosan mendengar seluruh curhatanku, kamu jenuh mendengar kisah yang berulang kali kuutarakan, ataukah sebenarnya kamu merasa terpaksa melakukannya? Aku hanya ingin tahu perasaanmu karena perasaanku sekarang sedang kosong.

Dua malam aku kembali mengalaminya. Aku tidak mengira akan mengalaminya lagi. Lima malam yang lalu aku kembali mengalami perasaan ini, dan diperparah lagi dengan semalam. Alhasil, aku sakit hari ini, sakit fisik dan mental kurasa. Ini efek yang ditimbulkan setiap kali aku termenung sendiri di kamar, duduk diam tak berbuat apa-apa, pikiran ini kembali berkelana ke mana aja, dan membuat merana. Aku bosan, tidak tahu harus melakukan apa, tidak tahu harus bercerita kepada siapa, meski aku tahu kamu selalu ada untukku, maaf, kadang aku membutuhkan sesuatu yang hidup, sobat. Terkadang bercerita saja tidak cukup, aku butuh orang lain menghiburku, aku butuh orang menguatkanku di saat aku pada titik ini. Aku benci pada harapan ini, harapan yang membuatku selali terpuruk, harapan akan orang lain akan berbuat sama seperti yang kulakukan pada mereka. Meski aku sudah diingatkan berkali-kali, aku harus lebih memberi daripada menerima, bahwa mereka bukan aku, bahwa aku harus tetap mampu mengatasi segalanya sendiri, untuk kesekian kalinya perasaan ini datang dan menghantam keras jiwaku. Aku kembali sakit. Awalnya kukira aku telah lama sembuh ternyata tidak demikian, sobat. Hingga kini, tidak ada orang itu, aku hanya bisa menangis semaleman tanpa tahu mengapa. Perasaan lelah, hampa, tak berarti. Diam, merenung, seperti orang bodoh, dan menangis, hanya itu yang bisa kulakukan, dan aku benci itu. Aku ingin sembuh seutuhnya dan tidak kembali sakit lagi.

Mari menenangkan diri sejenak... Aku pasti bisa... 

5th month in 22nd

Hey, dear! This month is a tough month but still there are some sweet memories.

First week of this fifth month, I visited Bandung again. This time I attended my friend's wedding held on Sunday. I went to Bandung on Friday night as usual. Arrived there, i went out with one of my college's friend. We had karaoke hank out :D Then on Saturday, me and my friends went to one of mall in Bandung. That day rained heavily. On Sunday, finally I met my dear sista since last year. We talked a lot then went to Catholic church for the wedding ceremony. Every time I attended the wedding ceremony, I wondered how mine will go on :p

The second week, I spent with my lovely one :D We planned to have movie date Breaking Dawn on Saturday, 17 November, because  I thought it would be crowded on the premiere day, Friday, 16 November. But he surprised me by coming early and bought the ticket for movie date on Friday night. So, we watched that movie, finally it came to the last one. Actually, I'm not really like that kind of movie but I've watched from the beginning so let's finished the stories :D On Saturday, we went out from Gading, we went to Emporium Pluit to have a bubble tea time, Come Buy, the most delicious, and sushi time. After that, we moved to Central Park, there was a Magnum Gold event, so we tried to choose that gold box, but I was not so lucky to choose the gold box with the gold inside it. Then,  we watched Wreck It Ralph, what a fun movie and ended the beautiful night at the park which was decorated by Christmas ornaments. Yeah, Christmas is coming to the town, so is New Year. :D

The third week was a really damn tired week. I had a training and outbound from my office called Basic Management Program, and it's a must. So, 2 days got class training, and 2 days more had outbound in the jungle. You know, it was fun, but sometimes I was bored, camping again, games again, and same things again, body ache, and became filthy. Well, after all, I passed those things, with an award, the most proactive participant, not so bad right :D

The last week was a frustrated week. Three months from my last holiday made me bored and I didn't know how to describe those kind of feelings. You know, dear, I always make my time for my friends who need me, but when I need them, where they are. When I want to talk about how I felt, I just find no one. There are so many thing in my mind. 

Work life? My colleagues? These all I really want? Do I really have passion for this job? Do I really can accept all their behaviors? Do I really can face those challenges? Am I really into this?

City life? Traffics? Malls? Boring? Do I really can survive in this hectic city? This bored city with all those kind of things? Judge by performances, brands, and positions? 

Love life? Him? Differences? One thing that quite disturbing me, I try to figure out what the difference is between I have him and not. When I cried whole night alone, it seems no different in having someone special in my life. I still can't share these feelings with him, and seems that he just doesn't care bout it. But now, I realize if I keep thinking bout those things, I will be stuck and can't be happy for having him beside me. Because I know, I want him, and I do hope, I am not going to disappointed with my choice. As long as he trying, I'm staying. 

I just had kind of bored moments. I'm okay now. Ready to welcome Christmas, the enjoyable moments in a year, and of course New Year. Though, for sure, I don't have any plan to celebrate both of them, I'm not going home or anywhere. I don't know whom I am going to walk through those moments. Just enjoy the path dear :) My beib, Widya, is going back to Indonesia after spending her time three years in Aussie. Of course, she will be back just for a holiday. We are going to spend this weekend in Bandung so I think my next month will be wonderful and fun month. Just don't get bored with my sharing and see you :)